My New Robotic Servant

I am now the proud owner of a personal robotic servant. Yesterday, my husband surprised me with a Roomba as an early birthday present. I like how previously the gift of a vacuum would have been misogynistic, sexist, and insulting. It would have said, “Hey woman, your job is to clean, so get to it.” But now, with the simple addition of a computer, or a brain as I like to call it, the message has changed to, “I know you work all day long and are too tired to clean when you get home, and hell if I’m gonna do it, so I bought a robot to do it for us.” I wonder what other inappropriate gifts could be transformed by a simple trick of technology? Could it one day be acceptable to give a bathroom scale, deodorant, or a self-help book?

Because I am a big fan of personification, I decided that I must name my robot. The robot is definitely male. Women have been slaving away at cleaning for too long; it’s a man’s turn. I tried to think of something clever from literature or mythology that either sucks (no, not vampires) or eats the scum of the earth. Since I failed at finding the appropriate allusion, I turned to movies. C-3PO is a name that should be reserved for the invention of overly-talkative robots. Mine only knows a few phrases. R2-D2 almost fits since he is round and beeps, but I don’t think that my self-propelled cleaning device is ever going to save the day. So, I think that I have settled on WALL-E. This seems fitting and will instantly make him cuter because I will superimpose onto him the personality of his Pixar namesake .

As far as WALL-E’s performance, I am amazed. He spent this afternoon learning the terrain of his new work environment. He quickly learned where all the walls are and slowed down as he approached them. It only took him about 5 seconds to figure out that my ottoman is round and to make a near-perfect sweeping circle along its edge. But one of his greatest skills is that he cleans under my couch. This is something that has not happened since I bought it. When he disappeared underneath the TV stand, we were cheering him on to find his way back out. In addition to doing the carpet and tile, he also does cat sitting. My cats have not decided if they have found their new best friend or their arch nemesis. Aquarius is already exploring various hacking possibilities. He claims that he is just going to modify the recorded voice to sound like WALL-E, but I fear that this will soon become one more thing that he can control from his iPhone.